My immediate connection to Ally's story in her book Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage probably stems from sharing her hometown: Portland, OR. I related to her pride and understanding of this strange city, with its love of coffee shops, local micro brews, chacos, marmot jackets, and refusal to use umbrellas. She refers to the tension of growing up Christian in one of the most church-less cities in the country; a place that values independent thought and living on the fringe.
Homesick for this place that I grew up in and recently said goodbye to, I read on, completely shocked by the number of similarities between her story and my own. My roommate and I joked that I needed to keep reading to find out what happens next, if my life truly parallels hers. Like the story of the "rich young ruler" in Matthew 19, she gives up a comfortable life for one of surrender. While the comfortable life met the expectations of any onlookers, she felt discontent and questioned if there was something more that she was waiting for. As I kept reading, I came across emotions, life-lessons, actual experiences, and major decisions that I could relate to in the last year. I'm pretty sure I could just change the type of adventure (she road tripped through all 50 states... I moved to Russia) and write a very similar story about how the Lord is shaping me and teaching me to live out the passions that He has placed so intentionally in my heart.
There are far too many points that I connected with for me to pull out and write about in one post. I want to gather my thoughts and write a series of posts related to discovering yourself and living out your passions in the next couple of weeks as I'm traveling and processing. Until then, the theme of surrender relates well to some of my most prominent thoughts in looking back on 2014...
A year ago today I was spending a final day with my extended family before I drove back to Boise as a part-time Cru staff and nanny. I was just beginning to experience the benefits of life as a post-graduate and relish in the freedom of no-homework evenings and weekends, going to bed early, time for watching TV shows I had missed out on, and working on Pinterest projects -- all just for fun. All of a sudden I had a ton of free time and it was awfully overwhelming. The beauty of these two part time jobs is that I truly loved what I did every day and I didn't have immediate pressure to find something more "long-term". I didn't necessarily feel like jumping into full-time staff with Cru was the right move and I knew I probably couldn't be a nanny forever. I had worked for the same family for three and a half years and one day Channing and Gannon wouldn't need me anymore.
Even though I operated under the assumption that I had a well thought out plan for the foreseeable future, I laugh now recognizing how little I actually knew. I decided to apply for stint to move overseas for a year and felt a growing sense of confidence about this decision everyday, even before I applied. I ended a relationship because I felt like God was turning me in a very different direction and I was more excited about that journey than the one at hand. This pushed me into a season of extreme loneliness: I was by myself, my best friend lived in a city three hours away going to physical therapy school, I no longer had classes to immerse myself in, and the realities of moving to a foreign country began to settle in.
I discovered that I love ministry as my job. I couldn't believe that when I went to campus to meet with students or planned retreats or prayer nights that it was what I got PAID to do. After I graduated from high school I took a year (turned into three) to do an internship with a ministry in Texas and battled the tension of what was "expected". At the end of 2013 I graduated from Boise State University and again battled with those same darn expectations -- what I thought my life was supposed to look like versus how it all actually played out. I was 25, single, had a degree in Communication and English (which doesn't exactly point you in the direction of a specific career) and really loved adventure. My friends and parents weren't all that surprised when I announced that I was asked to help lead a short term team to Moscow, Russia for a year. And I agreed to do it without hesitation.
After the spring semester ended, my car died, and I again was pushed toward surrender. I had already said no to a relationship and decided to move overseas. Now I had no car for my remaining three months in the States. I lost some independence and had to rely on God to provide what I couldn't. I was humbled by the offers of help from friends when I didn't even ask for it. I called my mom full of anxiety because I didn't know how I would get to work the next day and got angry when she said "It will all be okay" -- then got an email that said "I heard you need a car... you can use mine this week!" -- yeah, God just kept providing in ways I never expected. It reminded me to keep letting go and allowing God, in His sovereignty, to direct each step.
Then I moved back to the Portland area for three months of raising support to move to Russia. I visited some friends on the East Coast, went to a team leader training in Denver, Colorado, and stint briefing in Chicago, Illinois. Two weeks after Chicago, I sat at the Portland airport with a coffee and marionberry scone from Coffee People near my gate and jumped toward my next big adventure: fur coats, less sunlight, borscht, a whole new language, and a new group of people to live life with-- aka, Moscow stint life.
The past four months in Russia has been full of surrender. I've learned over and over again to let go of what is comfortable, expected, and even hoped for. I don't have to be well-liked or understood. I don't have to get everything I want. I can be more intentional to serve people well and love them in the way they receive it best. I've found that I experience the most joy when I let go of those things that I think I need.
A year ago today, I had absolutely no idea where I'd be in a month, never mind an entire year. God has drawn me so close to Himself in experiencing new facets of His goodness and faithfulness. In the same way, I know that TODAY, I have no idea where I'll be on January 3, 2016. But I do know that I expect great things for this year. I'm full of emotions looking ahead to the next 365 days. I'm nervous, excited, curious, hopeful, and optimistic, but mostly expectant. I expect God to do great things in 2015. Serving and living life in relationship with Him is such an adventure, one that I wouldn't trade for the world! I realize that I know nothing: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). I want to let go of my expectations of what exactly should happen, and cling to my expectation that in God's goodness, His plans for 2015 are also good. I know that no matter what happens this year, my hope is only found in Jesus.
P.S - You have GOT to read this book! Packing Light, Allison Vesterfelt
I'm excited to continue processing through what I read.
Here's to kicking off 2015: a whole new adventure!
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