Settled in the Unsettled

This theme of "waiting" has been a recurring theme over the last several months. I wrote about it here in February, and realized yesterday that I'm back in a similar holding pattern. I want to figure it all out, but all I can do is wait. I would rather just jump three months ahead, but that's not an option. So here I am, waiting, again. 

I sat down in my comfy chair with my journal and a massive bowl of popcorn (comfort food) about an hour ago, trying to get to the bottom of what I'm so anxious about. I assumed that money was the real problem, or rather, a lack of it. There are a lot of big things I want/need pay for this summer, and I'm pretty sure they exceed my means. So I can budget, decipher the wants versus needs, and make decisions... but of course it's much more complicated than that. I'm waiting on information. I need to buy a car, but that's obviously not a fixed price. Etc, etc.

As I was writing and thinking and eating popcorn by the handful, I realized it's not about the money. Sure, that's a practical factor. I can't do things that I can't afford. But everything that's on the table I want badly enough to pay for it if the money is there. The real tension lies in knowing that there are so many things up in the air and I just want it all to be settled.

It's the unknown that really terrifies me.

With the many upcoming changes looming (and feeling closer every day), I'm learning a lot about peace in chaos and trusting the Lord with all of the things outside my control (most things). Here are a few reminders of truth for myself, hopefully they will be encouraging to you as well:

How can I be settled when everything is very unsettled?

1. It's a choice. 

I have two choices: I can succumb to the mess, just plop down in the center of that chaos and refuse to move. This usually appears in the form of either stubbornness or that "deer in the headlights" kind of feeling, creating the sudden inability to move. OR, I can choose to be a person of peace in the midst of that dizzying storm. Life is often messy and storms do come, but peace is possible, if we choose it. This is a deliberate, capture those thoughts and make them obedient to truth, kind of decision. (We must also choose to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, because peace isn't just mustered up on our own.)
Don't succumb; choose peace.

2. Choose it often.

Like I said, these situations involving patience have been a recent theme in my life. And I've found myself at every possible point along this roller coaster -- slowly, calmly moving toward the top, full of joy and anticipation, or rushing quickly downward, sure that I will fly out of my seat belt at any moment, or even in a loop or curve where I feel a little scared and don't know which way is up, and just holding on for dear life. I'm sure you can relate. I've had the opportunity over and over and over again to choose peace. I choose to be settled in Christ. When I wake up, I read truth and pray over my day. Throughout my day I remember I have many reasons to be thankful. But when a new little mess appears, I have to choose peace once more. It's a decision I sometimes face multiple times a day.

3. Pursue Peace

Do you actively seek peace in your life - not just in relationships with other people, but in your own heart and mind, too? Or do you exhibit more of a passive "hopefully that peace kicks in soon" kind of attitude? I pursue peace by meditating on truth in God's Word, going for a hike (I have to improvise in Moscow), reading a book for fun, writing in my journal, or drinking coffee with a friend. When I need to choose peace, these are the things I DO, rather than mulling over my stressful thoughts and waiting. We can do things that cultivate peace in our lives.

4. Keep the main thing the main thing.

Sure, I could list off the 4837208 things that are on my mind tempting me to live in constant worry. But none of those things, although important, are what I build the foundation of my life on-- they're not the real main things. They could all crumble and fall away, but because my life is based around Jesus, I can remain confident and full of joy. When I remember that my hope is not in the contents of my bank account or where I live or what other people think of me, I can be content in all things. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and He is the firm foundation I stand on. 

We're reminded often in scripture that God will never leave us, that His plans for our lives are good, that His love endures forever... THIS is the main thing, and that makes me feel settled even in the unsettled. 

All of a sudden the unsettledness of my life seems rather 

insignificant when I trust in the God Who created the Universe. 

Surely He can calm the chaos of the unknowns and ease my fears. 

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

-Edward Mote

Peace in Letting Go

In several different ways, I'm learning to let go of my "best" for something immeasurably and incomprehensibly better. Better than my best. We don't even think it's possible for there to be anything better then the best, until we see God in action. As His plan unfolds before my eyes my excitement continues to grow and my eyes widen in wonder... I could have never seen this one coming! Oh, but He knew all along. And He planned for it. And He prepared me for it, whether I knew it or not. Every day, each task, is training ground for what comes next. Whether it's learning to rest in His presence, enjoy the blessings of life, trust Him in all things, love our neighbors, walk in integrity, choose to be full of joy, etc.

Even in the mundane. A day like today, where I have specific time set aside to pursue Jesus and my own spiritual growth. But here I sit in a coffee shop with a really bad cup of coffee and continue to grow frustrated because I can't think of what to write. Or I can think of too much to write and there's just no room - or words - for all of it. (Meaning, you might need to just bear with me in this "all over the place" kind of post.) But what do I do with that mundane-ness of today? Is this a waste? No. It's a small way that I can choose to let go of my expectations of the ideal day and remember that what God has for me today is much greater than whatever I conjure up on my own. He has the foresight to see what I really need. 

This morning I kept praying: Lord, what do you want me to focus on? What do you want me to learn? 

Let it be. I don't need to manipulate my life to make it look the way I think it should, because God always trumps my best. His reality exceeds my expectations, every single time. Even when I think "well, that was just ok" or "that wasn't what I had in mind", all it takes is quieting my own thoughts, turning toward truth, and I can see that God had everything under control the whole time and there is PURPOSE. He does not turn away from those who seek Him (Psalm 9:10; Matthew 7:7-8; Hosea 6:3). When we ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit, the result is an abundance of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). When we pray for wisdom, we must believe we will receive it (James 1:5-6). I can't be enough on my own. I can't be the best on my own. But I can just let it be what it is and trust that when I turn toward Jesus, He's already got a plan and in His faithfulness, He provides what I need.

How often do we go into a season of life (or even a portion of the day) with set expectations and end up disappointed when those things fall to pieces? It's not bad to have expectations, by any means, it's more about what we do with those expectations and how we respond when the results aren't what we hoped for. People fall all across the spectrum when it comes to this. Personally, I tend to land on the "please don't change my comfortable routine" end of the spectrum and have to pray for a load of flexibility and patience constantly. If I didn't have Jesus in my life I think I would fall apart whenever change approached. But I do have Jesus in my life and I've learned so much of my desperate need to rely on Him, place my trust in Him completely, and find my identity solely in Him. Jesus is my source of strength and He is the One whose plan I want to be in the middle of… not my own. Or the plan of the people around me. 

It's almost comical (probably just for me) to look back over the last several years and acknowledge the constant change in my life, despite my innate nature to run and hide. Also to acknowledge that this is far from what I thought my life would look like. Essentially nothing that has happened since high school was in my original plan for my life -- THANK THE GOOD LORD! Everything from my major in college (initially psychology) and where I went to college to even the country I currently live in, have all changed. And I'm so thankful for that, because it's another reminder to let go of what I thought was best and rest in the arms of my Heavenly Father who's definition of best isn't even in the same dictionary as mine. Why do we keep turning back to what is SECOND best when God's best is the only thing that truly satisfies? 

Today I'm reminded that when I am restless and discontent, I need to let go of my own expectations and wait on the Lord. My life, and this day, don't have to look the way that I think they should. In fact, from my own experience, I don't even WANT them to look like that. I want what Jesus wants. Therefore, I will live each moment surrendered to Him. I know that contentment and peace come from letting go of my expectations (and fears, plans, ideas of perfection, and other idols in my life) and enjoying the new and exciting unexpected adventures that come. 

"I'm restless until I rest in You." - Audrey Assad.

I'm just overwhelmed today that Jesus knows my heart so intimately. I'm overwhelmed by the ways that He is using me in Russia and how He is teaching me to walk closely with Him in Truth. I'm overwhelmed by the extraordinary blessing of the people He's put in my life. My heart is so full. 

There's No Success in People-Pleasing

Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." 

I say of the holy people who are in the land, "They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight." Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more. I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods or take up their names on my lips. 

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. 

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16

I remember lying on our living room floor recounting all the woes of fifth grade drama to my mom, who graciously listened and responded with an important life lesson: "Kailene, you can't be best friends with everyone." Oh how that broke my heart because even in my eleven year old mind I just wanted to make everybody happy and ensure that I was well liked. This is a thread that unfortunately has been woven into how I make decisions and how I view myself. On the outside it seems pretty nice; it's okay to be liked by people. In reality, this people-pleasing mentality is actually a destructive trap that distorts how we view God, ourselves, and others. How often do we feel "stuck" in a decision as a result of overly caring what others will think?

This is not to discredit godly wisdom from other people you trust. Proverbs talks a lot about the value of seeking counsel prior to making plans. The problem lies in putting more weight in what people think than where God directs, or in making a decision solely based on the desire to please people.

This is a theme that has come up several times in the past couple of weeks for me. While I know that I've had this subtle tendency to seek the approval of others for a long time, I also know it is an area that I've grown significantly in over the years. But when big decisions arise, this tendency often creeps up to the forefront of my mind. I have this underlying fear of doing something "wrong" and upsetting people I care about. This is where the trap comes in, from a few different directions...

1. You can never make everyone happy, NOR is that your responsibility. I care about people, but I am not responsible for their happiness. This has been a hard one for me to accept. If I have three options to choose from in making a major life decision, there will probably be different people who support one of the three more than the other options. Therefore, no matter which option I chose, two groups of people would disapprove. There is no way to win here. Attempting to please everyone is an impossible task. So why do we continue to make it a life goal?

2. Galatians 1:10, Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. I mean, that's awfully self-explanatory. If I live my life striving to gain the approval of other people, I am not really serving Christ. I want to serve Christ with my whole heart, and that means letting go of my desire to make people happy in everything I do.

3. All we know is the here and now. You can make one decision with a particular set of expectations and then watch as none of it turns out the way you'd hoped. Life changes constantly. There is so much about the future that we just cannot know until we get there. So if you make a decision based solely on your own plan, or someone else's plan, be prepared for it to change along the way. Decisions that are made out of a desire to please other people are always shaky and unstable. 

"The fear of man proves to be a snare, 

but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe." 

Proverbs 29:25

There are many fears that can drive our decisions if we're not careful. But all of them are rooted in a lack of trust in God. There is security in the unknown when we place our future in the hands of a God who already has a plan for our lives and truly wants the best for us. 

I love Psalm 16. The words of David here remind me that my security is in the Lord alone; there is nothing good outside of Him. I especially love verse four: "those who run after other gods will suffer more and more." Sometimes I prioritize pleasing other people above pleasing the Lord, which means I've made the approval of others a god, or idol, in my life. There is no security or joy in seeking to please others. It is temporary, fleeting, unreliable, and leaves you constantly seeking MORE. But entrusting every decision, big or small, to God will always bring deep satisfaction and a firm foundation to stand on, whether other people understand it or not.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Ask yourself: In this decision, how am I seeking the Kingdom of the God first?

[I really enjoyed Matthew Henry's commentary on Psalm 16. Check it out!]

Delighted in & Fought for

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness [take great delight in you]; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17 

What security and peaceful contentment come from knowing I am delighted in and fought for by the God who created me. He is WITH me. He FIGHTS FOR ME as a Mighty Warrior. He DELIGHTS in me. These three Truths about God are not contingent on what I do for Him or how close I think I can inch toward the standard of perfection. They are a part of who God is, separate from who I am. He does those things for me and thinks those things about me regardless of my actions and thoughts. It's not a fair trade; that's what His grace and mercy are all about! Undeserved gifts that are only from Him. In His sovereignty and omniscience He planned for my complete weakness, which He compensates for with His perfect strength. 

Last night at a Bible study with students from RUDN we talked about the transforming process of dying to our old selves (sin) and being resurrected with Christ as a NEW creation (turning away from sin). This is an important truth to understand as a part of deciding to follow Jesus for the first time, but also for choosing to follow Him and walk in truth every single day. 

How often do I fall back into my old self of working hard for love, acceptance, approval, and "good standing" with God? I hate to disappoint. I take on the responsibility of other people's emotions. Instead of resting in the arms of my Heavenly Father, I try to fight in my own strength. I wrestle with feelings of loneliness, all the while God whispers over and over again I am with you; don't be afraid. 

Even if you have been following Jesus for a long time, heaven forbid we lose sight of these foundational truths of our identity in Christ. Paul writes to the Galatians in chapter five, verse one: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." I am a NEW creation! There is freedom in walking with Jesus every day and remembering that HE is with me, HE fights for me, and HE delights in me... and there's nothing I can do to earn that.

"Yet I am always with You;

You hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward You will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And Earth has nothing I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:23-26

Waiting, Still

To wait means to trust, because in the act of waiting I surrender my desire for control. I willingly lay down my selfishness in wanting everything my way right now. I let go of my picture of the perfect life, and yield to God's direction, even if that path only has half an inch illuminated before me. I move that half an inch with confidence and wait patiently for the next direction from my Heavenly Father. 

Still Waiting

Waiting seems to be somewhat of a theme in my life right now. The other night I grew impatient as my ipad took far too long (over an hour) to connect to the internet at home. I know that wi fi connection is far from a major crisis, but I was irritated. I'm waiting to hear from the Lord for life decisions, I'm waiting on other people, I'm waiting to be done with this 30 day cleanse my roommates and I are doing so I can drink good coffee and eat the treats from America my mom sent... clearly our finicky internet signal was just too much to handle. Jessareh and I sat at the kitchen table working on our homework together and, while not completely serious, I made some remark about the stupid internet taking forever and it finally hit me: "Ohhh, I think I get it. I'm probably supposed to practice patience right now. Clearly, there's something God wants me to learn here." I love those moments. So humbling. While the lack of wi fi is what put me over the edge, and as silly as that sounds, the Lord used it to open my eyes. It's not just about receiving direction for my next life step-- it's about my willingness to trust Him patiently every day, no matter how long it takes. 

Another word for patience is 'long-suffering'... even if the suffering is long, will I choose to trust the goodness of the Lord? David understood this suffering as he sought God in a time of questioning: "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guide my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." Psalm 25:15-20

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'." Isaiah 55:8-9

Waiting Still

Since first hearing from the Lord a couple weeks ago in Spain that I need to simply be okay with waiting for now, I've had moments - or even multiple days in a row! - of truly resting in Him, even in my lack of decision or direction. But one little thought will tick and I fall right into worry and fear and discontentment. Doesn't He know I have a deadline? What if what I hope for doesn't happen -- is my heart even ready for whatever you have, Lord? Maybe I just need more information to put the details together and figure it all out (not always, but definitely CAN be me trying to take things into my own hands before the right time)? I want to know right now; I feel insecure in the 'not knowing' stage (sign of LACK of trust).

What is the posture of my heart while waiting? 
Patient or irritated?
Surrendered or controlling?
Joyful or distraught?
Trusting or fearful?

My desire is to be patient, surrendered, joyful & trusting as I am completely still before the Lord. 

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." Colossians 1:11-12

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

I trust God that as I wait He will strengthen my heart and increase my faith.  

Waiting -- and what I'm learning in the process

There's always something new coming. Sometimes we get a longer "settled" time in between next steps, but the seasons of life are constantly in motion, always anticipating the next thing. Even when it's hard, it's good, because growth comes from change. And change is constant.

Preparation for these next steps always include a series of decisions. 
What will I do? How will I do it? Who do I want to be? 

People often get hung up on the decision making part of change. I've experienced a lot of different seasons of change over the last seven years and I've learned a LOT about myself in these decision making processes. A month ago, I think I felt like I had nearly perfected the process. (Funny, right!)

I sat down in a coffee shop on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, Scotland with a couple hours available to ask myself a lot of questions, make a few pros/cons lists, and just like that, leave with a decision in place. (Sometimes I crack myself up.) Well, I did leave with somewhat of a decision. It was a "this is what I want to do, but I'm not going to declare it to the world yet" kind of decision. Even still, I felt confident, peaceful, and figured I would just keep moving forward and see what happened. 

Then I left Edinburgh for the Eastern Europe/Russia staff conference, which was ALL ABOUT VISION, and immediately thought, how could I ever leave this place. CLEARLY, God is moving. My heart was so motivated by hearing all the stories of students grasping hold of the vision of seeing every student on their campuses have the opportunity to hear about the hope they have in Jesus. And I couldn't help but think, at the next conference, there will be a student telling a story about how God changed OUR campus. I want to be a part of that!

All of one week after my methodical decision making system, I suddenly felt like I took ten steps backward. I started to question my motives, which are often buried so far beneath the surface it takes some work (and prayer) to dig them up. 

After the staff conference, I went to Spain for the STINT conference. I spent a morning with God sitting under a palm tree next to the Mediterranean sea -- a pretty ideal setting! My plan was to bring all of my new questions and concerns to the Lord and... just try to listen really, really hard. :)

I read through Psalms 103-108 and soaked up all of the reminders of the Lord's steadfastness and faithfulness. After that, I just felt peace in waiting. Just wait, no other clear directions. At the right time, you will know what to do. It will be clear when and how to decide. Be excited to watch the Lord's plan unfold. This is a part of the adventure -- expect GREAT things!

I think sometimes waiting is the most holy thing you can do. It's how you react in not having all the answers that makes the difference. Sometimes when I don't have all the answers I'm tempted to just make them up and blaze my own trail. But in the waiting seasons I get to learn about surrender and trust. 

I will praise you while I wait, Lord. I pray that the whole of my life brings You glory in each season. When I know only a little and when I know much more, help me to honor You. Give me confidence in the waiting. Make my uncertainty completely certain because I am not waiting on one who is unstable, weak, or indifferent.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take 

courage; wait for the Lord! - Psalm 27:14

Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God 

of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. - Psalm 25:15

Hiking in Edinburgh, Scotland

Inspired into 2015

I planned on writing about my smooth transition to 2015 and reflections on everything I saw God do in 2014 and having great expectations and all of that good stuff... but then I read an incredible book in the last twenty-four hours which unsettled all of my nicely planned thoughts into this mass of excitement, wonder, bewilderment, and intense determination. It feels similar to when I watched the movie The Help for the first (and second) time in the theater. At the end of the film, when my friends cried silent tears in genuine appreciation of the story, I sat on the edge of my seat ready to go change the world! I want to write something that touches people's lives. It wasn't that I didn't feel the emotion, I definitely did! I just felt it in a different way, a way that made me feel antsy to get up and do something. Then sit back down and write about it. 

My immediate connection to Ally's story in her book Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage probably stems from sharing her hometown: Portland, OR. I related to her pride and understanding of this strange city, with its love of coffee shops, local micro brews, chacos, marmot jackets, and refusal to use umbrellas. She refers to the tension of growing up Christian in one of the most church-less cities in the country; a place that values independent thought and living on the fringe.

Homesick for this place that I grew up in and recently said goodbye to, I read on, completely shocked by the number of similarities between her story and my own. My roommate and I joked that I needed to keep reading to find out what happens next, if my life truly parallels hers. Like the story of the "rich young ruler" in Matthew 19, she gives up a comfortable life for one of surrender. While the comfortable life met the expectations of any onlookers, she felt discontent and questioned if there was something more that she was waiting for. As I kept reading, I came across emotions, life-lessons, actual experiences, and major decisions that I could relate to in the last year. I'm pretty sure I could just change the type of adventure (she road tripped through all 50 states... I moved to Russia) and write a very similar story about how the Lord is shaping me and teaching me to live out the passions that He has placed so intentionally in my heart. 

There are far too many points that I connected with for me to pull out and write about in one post. I want to gather my thoughts and write a series of posts related to discovering yourself and living out your passions in the next couple of weeks as I'm traveling and processing. Until then, the theme of surrender relates well to some of my most prominent thoughts in looking back on 2014...

A year ago today I was spending a final day with my extended family before I drove back to Boise as a part-time Cru staff and nanny. I was just beginning to experience the benefits of life as a post-graduate and relish in the freedom of no-homework evenings and weekends, going to bed early, time for watching TV shows I had missed out on, and working on Pinterest projects -- all just for fun. All of a sudden I had a ton of free time and it was awfully overwhelming. The beauty of these two part time jobs is that I truly loved what I did every day and I didn't have immediate pressure to find something more "long-term". I didn't necessarily feel like jumping into full-time staff with Cru was the right move and I knew I probably couldn't be a nanny forever. I had worked for the same family for three and a half years and one day Channing and Gannon wouldn't need me anymore. 

Even though I operated under the assumption that I had a well thought out plan for the foreseeable future, I laugh now recognizing how little I actually knew. I decided to apply for stint to move overseas for a year and felt a growing sense of confidence about this decision everyday, even before I applied. I ended a relationship because I felt like God was turning me in a very different direction and I was more excited about that journey than the one at hand. This pushed me into a season of extreme loneliness: I was by myself, my best friend lived in a city three hours away going to physical therapy school, I no longer had classes to immerse myself in, and the realities of moving to a foreign country began to settle in. 

I discovered that I love ministry as my job. I couldn't believe that when I went to campus to meet with students or planned retreats or prayer nights that it was what I got PAID to do. After I graduated from high school I took a year (turned into three) to do an internship with a ministry in Texas and battled the tension of what was "expected". At the end of 2013 I graduated from Boise State University and again battled with those same darn expectations -- what I thought my life was supposed to look like versus how it all actually played out. I was 25, single, had a degree in Communication and English (which doesn't exactly point you in the direction of a specific career) and really loved adventure. My friends and parents weren't all that surprised when I announced that I was asked to help lead a short term team to Moscow, Russia for a year. And I agreed to do it without hesitation. 

After the spring semester ended, my car died, and I again was pushed toward surrender. I had already said no to a relationship and decided to move overseas. Now I had no car for my remaining three months in the States. I lost some independence and had to rely on God to provide what I couldn't. I was humbled by the offers of help from friends when I didn't even ask for it. I called my mom full of anxiety because I didn't know how I would get to work the next day and got angry when she said "It will all be okay" -- then got an email that said "I heard you need a car... you can use mine this week!" -- yeah, God just kept providing in ways I never expected. It reminded me to keep letting go and allowing God, in His sovereignty, to direct each step. 

Then I moved back to the Portland area for three months of raising support to move to Russia. I visited some friends on the East Coast, went to a team leader training in Denver, Colorado, and stint briefing in Chicago, Illinois. Two weeks after Chicago, I sat at the Portland airport with a coffee and marionberry scone from Coffee People near my gate and jumped toward my next big adventure: fur coats, less sunlight, borscht, a whole new language, and a new group of people to live life with-- aka, Moscow stint life.

The past four months in Russia has been full of surrender. I've learned over and over again to let go of what is comfortable, expected, and even hoped for. I don't have to be well-liked or understood. I don't have to get everything I want. I can be more intentional to serve people well and love them in the way they receive it best. I've found that I experience the most joy when I let go of those things that I think I need.

A year ago today, I had absolutely no idea where I'd be in a month, never mind an entire year. God has drawn me so close to Himself in experiencing new facets of His goodness and faithfulness. In the same way, I know that TODAY, I have no idea where I'll be on January 3, 2016. But I do know that I expect great things for this year. I'm full of emotions looking ahead to the next 365 days. I'm nervous, excited, curious, hopeful, and optimistic, but mostly expectant. I expect God to do great things in 2015. Serving and living life in relationship with Him is such an adventure, one that I wouldn't trade for the world! I realize that I know nothing: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). I want to let go of my expectations of what exactly should happen, and cling to my expectation that in God's goodness, His plans for 2015 are also good. I know that no matter what happens this year, my hope is only found in Jesus.

P.S - You have GOT to read this book! Packing Light, Allison Vesterfelt
I'm excited to continue processing through what I read.

Here's to kicking off 2015: a whole new adventure!